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By Danielle Jaquez

SSRI is an acronym for selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors—a form of antidepressant medication commonly used to treat depression, generalized anxiety disorder, and various other mental conditions.

I lovingly named them my “happy pills.”

However, not all SSRIs are made equally, and the process of finding the right one for your body can be frustrating as hell. Each drug has its own reputation, personality, and a slew of unpredictable side effects.

Without further ado, here are the most popular SSRIs as people you meet during your first year of college.


Paxil: The Cafeteria Cookie Snatcher

Paxil is the person who camps out in the dining hall on a regular basis and is seen leaving with a pocket full of cookies. They can name every restaurant on campus by memory and tell you the most delicious dish they serve. You can also find them questioning how the freshman 15 happened so fast.


Prozac: The Trend Setter

Prozac struts through dorm hallways rocking an outfit that only they can pull off. They undoubtedly receive an invitation to every party, club meeting, and study sesh on campus. They’ve never opened a textbook, but still somehow aces all of their classes.


Zoloft: The Bathroom Guru

This prescription can tell you where the nearest bathroom is in any building on campus. They always have a roll of triple-ply tissue and an array of hand sanitizers stashed in their backpack, and can be found shamelessly watching Tik Toks on full volume in their stall.


Lexapro: The Moody Artist

Lexapro has an Instagram page dedicated to pictures of campus graffiti paired with existential quotes. They will ironically wear 90s t-shirts thrifted from the kid’s section at Goodwill. They can also tell you which underrated bars in Downtown Fullerton are the best and the bands that play there on the regular.


Disclaimer: Every individual reacts to these medications differently and these generalizations are meant specifically for comedic purposes. If you are struggling with anxiety or depression, talk to your doctor to identify the best course of treatment for you.


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